Ladies & Gentlemen, pardon the interruption…

I know it’s been nearly a month since my last post. In truth, I kind of forgot about this blog (sorry!) I got caught up in school
and life developments and writing fell by the wayside. So… now to fill you all in on nearly a month’s worth of stuff in as succinct a form as I can…

For starters, I’m repeating Anatomy this term. Last term I got taken on the midterm exam, had a veritable panic attack and subsequent cerebral shut down. In my state of reduced functioning, I missed the pass mark on the midterm by a few points and consequently was advised (in truth, more “forced”) to decel. It will take me an extra term to graduate, but that’s certainly preferable to failing Anatomy and getting dismissed from the school.

I’ve been keeping myself busy with involvement in several clubs and tutoring Biochemistry… This of course, is all secondary to spending much more time with Anatomy.

One of the advantages to taking only Anatomy this term is that I now have enough time to do what I didn’t do last term, namely go into the wet lab more often and spend more time doing the Gray’s Anatomy Review questions. All first termers at SGU are advised to do these questions at least twice through before both the midterm and final, not least because the head of our Anatomy department wrote the book! Last term, I had difficulty juggling Anatomy/Histology/Biochemistry and so doing these questions several times over fell by the wayside. Wet lab, too. Given that my last name starts with a “B”, my group activities like Histology lab and Biochem small group were first thing in the morning. Those would finish up by 10 AM and if I went to the wet lab after that it would usually be so crowded I would waste my time and not see a damn thing. This term, without the commitment to those small groups, I can go into the wet lab early in the morning when there’s no one there and really take my time and look things over carefully.

On that point… it’s a very humbling experience to be alone in the wet lab with a bunch of cadavers. It’s the realization that a member of the formerly living made the altruistic choice to donate his or her body to us medical students. I’m not sure how I’d feel about a bunch of bumbling first term medical students rooting around my viscera, but all the same given that others have so kindly donated their bodies for us to use I feel compelled to do the same when it’s my time to go.

On the point of death….
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Two weeks ago, my ex-girlfriend passed away from acute promyelocytic leukemia. It came out of nowhere, ravaged her body, shut down her major organs, and caused cerebral hemorrhaging. Her parents ultimately decided to take her off the respirator because she wouldn’t have wanted to survive, not live mind you, SURVIVE, as an empty shell of herself. I’d dated her for almost three years prior to this point, and we’d broken up last August. She told me that she didn’t see our relationship “going anywhere” and that she didn’t want to “wait for me to finish medical school”. I understand her reasoning, and for the record, I’m not angry or spiteful or anything about it… I came to terms with our breakup. It’s the fact that someone can be wrenched from this earth with such fury and violence and tradecraft fails to stop this process… and I’m not one to betray emotionality or powerlessness. Too often medicine professes to “have all the answers” and when it fails, you start wondering about the path you’ve chosen. Doctors are cited as being too coldly rational when the family of the suffering is an emotional wreck but I’ll tell you the only way to function in such a situation is to be emotionally distant. Emotions mess with rational decision making. It takes real skill to be coldly rational and personally tactful simultaneously, and that’s a skill very few physicians possess.

Of course I was a wreck when I found out this news. Thank God, though, for the SGU community – several close friends helped me through this difficult period and I’ve managed to make my peace. Her funeral was last Saturday and although I couldn’t physically be there a condolence letter I had written her parents was displayed…. so at the very least I was there in spirit.